Esteem or why I have none.

I have learned to associate myself with better people than me so that I have a reason to believe in myself. I guess the reasoning behind that is that if I can be friends with someone who has potential for great things or done great things because then maybe I have the same potential or why would that bother spending time with me? I must be worth it, even though some people in my own family treat me like I’m some child…a classic example of this was this summer when I was doing my internship in New York. My mother came with me, not just for a few days but for the whole summer because as she so clearly stated I wouldn’t be able to ever make it on my own. if it wasn’t for the fact that my residence only let non-residents in with the permission of the tenants my mom would have been in my home all the time even when I wasn’t there. I had paid a lot of money to live there, but I had to be in the untenuable position of telling administrators not to let her in when I wasn’t there. To be frank I had to be like that because she’s a very domineering person and I knew that it would be the only way that I could have some semblance of independence.  all of this while I was trying to deal with my internship and then the death of my sister who had encouraged me to the internship because she’s only one in my family who gave a damn about me. 
no one should have to do that to their own parents. I felt like I was worthless because my mom has never believed in me. she used to tell me that I dressed like a homeless person all the time…and constantly says that I’m fat to my face. During the summer she gave my bed away and I have been sleeping on the couch like the some visitor in my own home.
Anyways to me this summer was my chance to prove once and for all to her that I could live on my own, but I found myself feeling like the bad guy particularly in one instance when she had called me several times when I was at my internship begging me to rescind me to the order barring her from entering my home when I wasn’t there. I knew I was hurting her but she didn’t realize what she was doing to me or how I was hurting having to do those things. I knew that if I let her in what would happen, nothing would change she would be there every day. One of the reasons I decided to do my internship in New York was so I could experience a modicum of independence. Even now I wonder where I got the strength to do what I did. Letting her in when I wasnt there, would not be beneficial to my own personal growth. So I stood up to her. I had to. And now I’ve learned that in order for me to be independent I would have to stand up to her ALL the time.  But having to listen to this message of I think you can do it but not without me because it won’t be done right has always filled with doubts and insecurities. Because the underlying message of her words is that nothing I ever do will be good enough or be done right and thus always flawed. And she wonders why I have weight problems? Perhaps it hasn’t dawned on her that I eat so I can feel better about myself.

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