Verissimilitude the definition of which can be described as honesty is a word that seems to echo in my head quite a bit now and I am uncertain as to why. Perhaps because I am learning to become more honest with myself as time goes by but I cannot shake the feeling that even as I go through life there is a certain part of me that is not being entirely honest with myself. I went to the Rally Against Hate yesterday and I felt a certain sense of anger but there was something else there something that has been hidden inside of me so long that it has left me confused and wondering that if I said it out loud would I be lying or telling. As I am writing this the words are fighting to come out but my own disbelief in their veracity force me to hold them back. I mean could it be true could I be g-? God, as soon as I attempted to put that word on my page I stopped because I could not write it forse the shame and stigma that is attached to it.
I am a coward either because I cannot tell the truth or because I cannot tell a lie.
Verissimilitude
Verissimilitude the definition of which can be described as honesty is a word that seems to echo in my head quite a bit now and I am uncertain as to why. Perhaps because I am learning to become more honest with myself as time goes by but I cannot shake the feeling that even as I go through life there is a certain part of me that is not being entirely honest with myself. I went to the Rally Against Hate yesterday and I felt a certain sense of anger but there was something else there something that has been hidden inside of me so long that it has left me confused and wondering that if I said it out loud would I be lying or telling. As I am writing this the words are fighting to come out but my own disbelief in their veracity force me to hold them back. I mean could it be true could I be g-? God, as soon as I attempted to put that word on my page I stopped because I could not write it forse the shame and stigma that is attached to it.
I am a coward either because I cannot tell the truth or because I cannot tell a lie.
Writer’s Block
Why is it that writers block has hit me right now? Is it because I have so much hate and anger right now that I am frustrated and bereft of the words that I can use to express my rage and dissapointment with the world. Could it be that I have come to the realization that some people while intending good things can actually damage or destroy something in their very efforts. Such is the irony of human existence from which humaniy’s blind faith in its own perverse sense of morality is born. Can it be any wonder that as long as their have been religion believing in the God of love and peace that there has been killing in his name,
And His name used to spread hatred and bigotry? Not really.
Writer’s Block
Why is it that writers block has hit me right now? Is it because I have so much hate and anger right now that I am frustrated and bereft of the words that I can use to express my rage and dissapointment with the world. Could it be that I have come to the realization that some people while intending good things can actually damage or destroy something in their very efforts. Such is the irony of human existence from which humaniy’s blind faith in its own perverse sense of morality is born. Can it be any wonder that as long as their have been religion believing in the God of love and peace that there has been killing in his name,
And His name used to spread hatred and bigotry? Not really.
Word River
Words once ran through my mind like a river
falling from the rains of Heaven
carving canyons of hope and love in their wake
washing away the layers of regret
and replenishing the soils of faith
so that providence may grow.
Now the river is dammed by anger and resentment
the bricks of the dam cemented with frustration
and teeming with rage-full bricks the dam stands firm
but every dam must burst as the waters build up behind it
and the words will flow freely once more.
Yet the words are still standing at the brink
slowly trickling over the side
with only the promise of what is to come
but such promise is sweet.
Word River
Words once ran through my mind like a river
falling from the rains of Heaven
carving canyons of hope and love in their wake
washing away the layers of regret
and replenishing the soils of faith
so that providence may grow.
Now the river is dammed by anger and resentment
the bricks of the dam cemented with frustration
and teeming with rage-full bricks the dam stands firm
but every dam must burst as the waters build up behind it
and the words will flow freely once more.
Yet the words are still standing at the brink
slowly trickling over the side
with only the promise of what is to come
but such promise is sweet.
Belong
I don’t belong anywhere. I often feel that way. Often when I am with other people I feel that I don’t fit in…that I am different somehow that I am the puzzle piece that does not fit into the puzzle. I can’t help but wonder if I will fit in anywhere. I think that no matter how much people accept me there is a limit to how far that acceptance will go. It does not help very much when organizations like TACA, Cure Autism now and Autism Speaks that claim to want to help autistics such as myself use words like epidemic and cure that make me wonder if autism is just a disease. Am I just some diseased individual that with a few pills perhaps even a vaccination or injection can be cured of who I am? What if I don’t want to be cured? What if I am not diseased or sick?
It’s very hard to fight such a belief about myself if the rest of the world thinks I am. It’s no wonder I don’t belong anywhere. I am made to feel like I need to be put in quarantine.
Today life sucks…sucked like the last version of the Mummy. I am not certain what is going on in my life but Murphy’s law seems to be the law of the land right now. But rather than whine and complain like a little kid I prefer to think about what can be gleaned from each and everyone of those things. I prefer not to dwell on the negativity of life and look at each occurrence that is a challenge that must be overcome with grace and a bit of humor. Perhaps there is a bit of a Buddhist in me in that I prefer to laugh at tragedy and adversity rather than become angry. Such a negative energy created by such anger does not lead to anything good except to give the impression that you have a hot temper.
bullying
I have to ask myself when I became that which I hated? When did I stop being the victim and become the victimizer? When did I stop being the bullied and become the bully? I don't know. At what point of being treated like I was worthless did I start to treat people that way?
When do I stop blaming others and take responsibility for who and what I have become?
There is a part of me that still believes what I have been told about myself and rather than paying no heed I try to make those who would say such things believe about themselves what they are saying about me. I do not want to be that way but unfortunately the price of such behavior is loneliness and solitude. I know that I can be better. I have no pity for myself only regret for what I have done to others.
today
I am too tired to write anything today. So blahblahblahblah. I will post pictures from tomorrows festivities sometime this weekend. Right now my brain needs a nap.
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